Yo Austin Nader, fuck you first and foremost, for making me do this shit. Motha fucker.
On a real note, another season of NFL and most importantly fantasy football is here!
Did I think it was going to happen? At the NFL level, a little bit. I did not think we would have NCAA Football or high school football here in Ohio. We do have high school football, but we do not have Ohio State Football…
I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT YET!
The NFL has plunged forward through the pandemic as best as they could.
Yeah the NFL Draft was virtual, but it was still fun and felt close to the regular product.
Yeah we haven’t had pre-season games, but who cares about that anyway?
The NFL is here! Rejoice!
Here is my mostly annual recap of one of the fantasy football drafts I had recently.
If you need to see every single person who’s on their team then go look. I don’t have the time to get those pictures and all that. I’ll still make fun of team names if need be.
Now this league has had a lot of turnover from past years; so a lot of you might not know who I am and why I’m writing this whole thing.
Well the league itself started in a mutated form, I think the year Andrew Luck and RGIII were rookies. So 2012. The following season with a year of college under my big belt, and as I will put it ‘fantasy knowledge out the wazoo’. I decided to do a little recap of the draft and give my take on everything from the draft to the name of the team itself. Otherwise everyone in the league would have generic ass names, or have shitty names like Danny’s are every year.
Also you’ll notice I don't talk about defenses or kickers. Defenses should always be your second to last pick unless you’re in a league without kickers. Kickers should be your last pick if you’re in a dumb league (talking to you Austin) that continues to value kickers. Kickers shouldn’t decide real games, and they certainly shouldn’t decide fantasy games either. Get rid of them. Everywhere.
Without more background, let’s just get into this already. For the noobs, I will start with Austin Nader’s team so you can all get a sense on how this thing goes:
Austin Nader’s team - Team Name: Glizzy Goliath
My thoughts: First off, aren’t you engaged now or something? *checks instagram* *confirms that he is engaged.*
You’re a little old to be clinging to this whole ‘Glizzy’ trend, bro.
Matt Stafford could be good this year. He also could fall off a cliff (production wise) and suck this year. The same thing can be said about the Lions in general. Maybe they compete for the division, and maybe they finish 3-13 and finally get rid of the laminated play sheet with a pencil boy.
I don’t think you could have picked a better tandem of iffy running backs than Todd Gurley and Melvin Gordon. Gurley’s knees will probably never allow him to be the same type of player. Gordon is already listed as questionable for week one, but when he does play he is effective.
You probably have the best wide receiver duo with Michael Thomas and Tyreek Hill. Plus Adam Thielen and DJ Chark are good as well.
Tyler Higbee is one of those players that can get a score and make the tight end spot matter.
Bench is kind of eh outside of Chark. Antonio Gibson has the boom potential if he ever gets enough carries. Cam Newton might be a better option than Stafford, but I don’t know if either will be a top ten guy this season.
Next for Patrick Fuller’s team - Team Name: Big Daddy Burrow
My thoughts: Not the worst team name I’ve ever seen, but I wouldn’t name my team after my backup QB. Matt Ryan I put in the same category as Matt Stafford. Ryan though has more upside to me.
He clearly had the first pick since he has CMC. David Johnson will probably be a better fantasy player than he will be an actual NFL player this season. Good receiving group with Davante Adams, Robert Woods and Mike Evans. Evans to me should start over Woods, but I’m nitpicking that.
I had ‘Waller the Baller’ last year so i know what he can do.
I would drop TJ Hockenson the moment I can to get another skill guy. I don’t mind Burrow as a backup though since Ryan could be shaky. Bench running backs are solid with guys who could very easily become lead backs. The wide outs though are kind of eh.
Next we have Ben Henke - Team Name (and I wish I was kidding): @ EatDatPussy445
My thoughts: Maybe you’re 12 so I guess I shouldn’t make fun of you too much. With a name like that you must be. I better beat you week one.
Deshaun Watson will be a top five QB as long as the line can keep him healthy.
I don’t think we’ll have an amazing season from Dalvin Cook in a new system. Jonathan Taylor should be one of the better rookie running backs.
Good receiving core with Julio Jones, Tyler Lockett and Keenan Allen. Plus Brandin Cooks, Diontae Johnson and all the rookie wide outs not named CeeDee Lamb on the bench.
Problem is running back depth. Only three right now on the roster so if someone gets hurt or gets benched that’s a big problem. Especially since two of those running backs are on the same team.
Grade: C+ simply because of the lack of running backs
Next we have Chad Ohmns - Team Name: Team Chad A
My thoughts: Is there another Chad here? Did I miss something?
I can’t be mad at a team for drafting Pat Mahomes. I just can’t.
Running back starters are good with Alvin Kamara and Joe Mixon. Wide outs though are more iffy. Amari Cooper has a strong relationship with Casper and likes to disappear when you really need him. Calvin Ridley is a good player but he is the clear number two there. TY Hilton should be in front of him.
Hunter Henry is one of those guys that can be a top ten tight end.
I like his bench with Justin Jefferson as a guy who could boom. Kerryon Johnson could be a viable player if the Lions use him. Edelman is a fine plug and play PPR guy.
Next we have Michael Racke - Team Name: Team racke
My thoughts: You thought about that name for a while. I can always tell.
I personally don’t think Dak Prescott is good, but you have waaaay too many QB’s. You don’t need Dakota, Tom Brady and Baker Mayfield. You also don’t need a backup tight end when you have Travis Kelce. Aside from injury and/or bye week you’re starting him every week. Pick up a waivers guy the week you need to.
Good receivers with DeAndre Hopkins, Cooper Kupp and DeVante Parker. Wide out depth is an issue though with just one on the bench since one is in the flex.
Grade: D+ Bench just has too much wasted space.
Next up we have Dale Newman - Team Name: Ceedees Nuts
My thoughts: You don’t have CeeDee Lamb so what are you doing?
Can’t go wrong with Russell Wilson at QB. Good running backs with Josh Jacobs and Miles Sanders.
Wide outs are a tad questionable. I don’t see AJ Brown being as electric as he was last year, and Stefon Diggs is on a new team.
Chris Carson is an okay flex play.
He has an okay bench with Deebo Samuel and Phillip Lindsay being the best guys.
Drop Goff and Hurst as soon as you can and get more depth. Tate and Fitzgerald are alright fill-ins for bye weeks.
Next we have some of the other returners to the league that are used to my ‘hilarious’ jokes and banter.
First is Ben Thomas - Team Name: Bruce Jenners Balls (for like the 12th year in a row)
My thoughts: Two teams with ball jokes. We have a very mature league on our hands.
Can’t be mad at having Lamar Jackson on the squad. Clyde Edwards-Helaire could be one of the best backs in fantasy this year. Cam Akers is kind of eh. A fringe starter to me.
Odell is a good wide out. Allen Robinson is alright, but do you trust Mitch to get him the ball? Zach Ertz is one of the best options at tight end across the league.
I guess Michael Gallup is okay at the flex spot.
As far as the bench I think you may have gone too far in getting ‘boom’ kind of players. Both D’Andre Swift and JK Dobbins can be great players if they get the opportunity. DeSean Jackson is the definition of a boom or bust guy, and I don’t know when (aside from a bye week) I would start him.
Trade Drew Brees to someone who needs a QB. You’re only gonna play him one time, and he has better value than being a bye week fill-in.
Next we have Josh Bohn - Team Name: Full Chubb
My thoughts: Well at least you have Nick Chubb on your team with that name. We now have two nuts/ball jokes and one dick joke. I must be the oldest person in this league now.
Carson Wentz is a good QB. That is of course if he can stay healthy.
Good backs with Chubb and Austin Ekeler. The wide outs are iffy with Kenny Golladay and Courtland Sutton. Who the hell knows what exactly we get with Gronk, but that’s a chance I would be willing to take too. Jarvis Landry is my favorite receiver of yours but he’s the second guy on his own team.
I like the bench running backs though with Raheem Mostert and Kareem Hunt.
I’m actually okay with having Danny Dimes as a backup with how often Wentz gets hurt.
Last of the returners club besides yours truly we have Dan Janning - Team Name: Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood
My thoughts: You always have the worst names. If it’s not the worst then it’s always dang close. This is no exception. The whole Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood thing was cute in like 2008.
As an example of what not to name your team, here are some of the names Danny has used in the past: Barkley’s Bakery, Blue Sea Unpackers, Lincoln Bluebones. All so, so terrible.
His team picture is Mr. Rodgers in a clown mask. Seems fitting for Danny.
Looking at his team he actually does have Aaron Rodgers. So at least there’s that.
Good running backs with Derrick Henry and Aaron Jones. Plus James Conner in the flex. Good wide outs as well with DJ Moore and JuJu Smith-Schuster. Evan Engram is a fine tight end. Decent wide outs on the bench with Terry McLaurin, AJ Green, Christian Kirk, and CeeDee Lamb (so this is where he ended up). You know better than to have a tight end and a quarterback wasting space on your bench. Although Josh Allen should be trade-able.
And finally we have yours truly, Lance Morris - Team Name: Lance’s Lobos
My thoughts: I’ll be honest. I don’t think I had the best draft. Picking second is both great and not so great. Yeah I have Saquon, but I honestly probably would have preferred to pick near the end of the first round.
I had Kyler Murray last year and I think he’ll be even better with DeAndre Hopkins to throw to. I’m gonna get most of the Cardinals points too with having Kenyan Drake, which could be bad if their offense struggles. Chris Godwin could be one of the best wide outs this season. Hopefully Tompa Brady can help that happen. DK Metcalf should be the top target at some point for the Seahawks, but I don’t know if that happens this year.
Austin Hooper should be a great option in a very talented Cleveland offense.
It wasn’t that long ago that Le’Veon Bell was the top pick across fantasy football. Plus I think the Jets could trade him and put him in a better situation.
On the bench I have a chunk of the Tampa running game with Leonard Fournette and Ronald Jones. Marquise Brown could be a top non Lamar Jackson option for the Ravens at some point. I’ve also got the Kansas City wide outs with Mecole Hardman and Sammy Watkins. I think the Chiefs are going to be an awesome offense (again) this year and I have the next guys in line for if someone else goes down.
Grade: The professor doesn’t grade his own work
Thanks for reading and be grateful we have football.